Daily Diatribes

Tomorrow I have a job interview. I have always known that this “back-to-school” nonsense would eventually lead to gainful employment. My husband, somewhat unreasonably, thinks that if you spend $15,000 to get a degree you should seek gainful employment upon graduation. Myself, I think I could do with another five or six years in school before I get a job. I like taking classes!!

Although I am actually not slated to graduate for another year, I have now taken enough classes to be interesting to certain people. And so, when I heard that several English teachers at the local high school would be going on maternity leave in the fall, I contacted the assistant principal and advertised my availability. She knows me, and yet despite that, she agreed to see me anyway. And suddenly I am faced with my first real interview for my first real professional job. I tend to get really nervous during interviews and blurt out classics like “that hit-list thing at my last job was a big misunderstanding….” I am praying I can control myself. Here is a list of things I hope NOT to say during the interview:

Principal: Why are you interested in this job?
Me: My parole officer refuses to pay me child support, so I need to do something to make the bills.

Principal: How will you reach the English Language Learners in your classroom?
Me: I WILL TALK REALLY LOUD AND REALLY SLOW….

Principal: What if a student attempts to push the boundaries to develop an inappropriate relationship with you?
Me: Well, naturally we will only meet for drinks after school hours. And I promise not to post any pictures of us on Facebook.

Principal: How do you feel about “Team Teaching”?
Me: Will I be teaching the football team or the baseball team? Personally, I like the wrestlers because they’re big and dumb, but I’ll teach whichever team you want me to.

Principal: How will you handle discipline in your classroom?
Me: I know public flogging has fallen out of favor these days, but the federal government is prepared to cut me a sweet deal on some used waterboards….

Principal: What if a student asked you to attend a party after school hours?
Me: Dude!! Party?? I’m SO in!!! Will there be “BROWNIES”?? Just kidding man….

Principal: How will you differentiate instruction to reach learners with IEP’s (Individualized Education Plan…or something like that!!!)
Me: Naturally I will keep a supply of crayons and coloring books on hand for those kids that ride the….ahem….short bus!!

Principal: How do you feel about group learning?
Me: About the same way I feel about group sex…the more the merrier dude!!!

Principal: What about your syllabus?
Me: Well, it’s actually in remission right now, but I have antibiotics to take if it flares up again. How did you know about that??

Principal: What if a student talks back to you? How will you handle it?
Me: I have this chokehold I saw Hulk Hogan do once and I think it will work really well. Otherwise, just well-placed smack upside the head.

Principal: How will you handle a parental complaint?
Me: I will meet be glad to meet with parents anytime. I will happily explain to them that little Johnny cannot read because he is a horny, little crackhead and if he’d spend more time reading Shakespeare and less time looking at Hustler, he wouldn’t have so much acne.

Principal: How will you handle bullying in your classroom?
Me: I will personally beat the hell out of anybody that bullies another student.

Principal: Do you have references we can call?
Me: Yes, this one is my favorite guard from the prison and this one? She was the BEST nurse on the psych unit!

Right, so hopefully none of these things will come out of my mouth. Although I really like my syllabus question; close your eyes and imagine the dawning look of horror on the interviewer’s face as the meaning sinks in. Priceless!!