Daily Diatribes

I have nothing to say. Less than nothing. My mind is actually a Void of nothingness, devoid of anything inspirational or funny, full of absolutely NOTHING!! But I’ll try. For you, my faithful, the last handful of pilgrims who still trek through the dust of the internet, who forgo surfing porn or reading TMZ just to get to my blog, I’ll try and think of something.

Wow. That was it. There doesn’t appear to be anything else to say. I’m racking my brains for something, but it’s just not there. Gonna try and think some more. Hold on.

Hmmmm….still nothing. This is bad. Embarrassing actually. I never have nothing to say. Usually I have so much to say that people run the other direction when they see me. No one wants to hear me pontificate for hours. And yet, faced with a blank page just BEGGING to be filled with my pontifications, I find I am pontification-less. I feel so empty and ashamed. Yet strangely exhilirated. How the HELL do you spell exhililrarted???? Fine, I’m enthusiastic!! Expressive!! Emotional!! Exemplified!! Exonerated!! Forget about exhillirated.

I am reading William Faulkner right now and the first section of “The Sound and the Fury” is a ’stream of consciousness’ narrative. It worked well for him. He’s a literary giant. I bet I can do it too!! I’m good at stuff like that. I can do SOC. So here I go. Streaming. It’s like a live feed, straight from my brain on a Sunday morning. I am just going to spew for a few minutes like the BP oil well beneath the sea, polluting your minds with my oily thoughts.

Actually, reading back over this, it’s really stupid. But I’m probably going to publish it anyway. I have to publish something or I’ll lose everyone to that Pioneer Woman. Ok, fine, she can cook. I can’t cook. Her husband looks like the Marlboro Man. Mine looks like Jed Clampett….actually, I always thought Jed was hot. There’s something about the rakish angle of his hat that suggests a latent sexuality just begging to be coaxed to the surface like…well…oil. Hmmm, I sense a theme here. Isn’t this how real writers write? Just babble until a theme emerges? I’m gonna go with it.

Not much going on in my world lately. School. Kids. School. Soccer. Kids. It all kind of runs together. I do have a wart on my foot. It’s the plantar kind and I have been battling it for three months. I was going to write a post about it and call it “I Lost the Wart but Won the Battle” only I can’t get rid of the damn wart, thereby nullifying the effect of my title. The wart started out as a tiny black speck. I thought it was a splinter, so I grabbed my trusty splinter removal kit (straight pin, lighter, tweezer, peroxide and vodka) and went t work. I dug around for a good ten minutes, but never could get the splinter, leading me to think that perhaps it might not be a splinter. This was confirmed a few weeks later when a large, ugly wart erupted on the sole of my foot.

And that sucker hurts!! Thus began the cycle of home treatments. I froze it, then applied wart pads, then applied duct tape, then pumiced it, then froze it again, then more wart pads and the BASTARD WILL NOT BUDGE!!! Even my husband, who deplores every medical copay I make, said “GO TO THE DAMN DOCTOR AND GET IT TAKEN CARE OF!!” Because, rightly so, he has accused me of spending twice as much on home remedies as the copay for a licensed physician. But it’s a matter of pride. I can kill this wart. I know I can. It’s just taking a little longer than I thought it would.

Yesterday, MA and I were at the Wal-Green’s, where I toyed with buying yet ANOTHER round of wart pads (at ten dollars a box, this being box three…yep, that would’ve been a copay!!). I picked up the store brand and read the directions, to see if it was effective for Plantar Warts. It didn’t say, but it did helpfully inform me not to use the product on “warts with hair growing out of them.” This struck us as deliciously hysterical!!! Warts with HAIR!! So funny!! No disrespect to any of you readers who have a wart with hair growing out of it, but come on….WARTS WITH HAIR!! Hilarious!!! I think if you have a wart with hair it’s a lot like having a furry little pet that lives on your body and is with you all the time. Definitely, if you have a WART WITH HAIR, you should give it a name. Like June. Or Marvin. And you should ‘love it and hug it and kiss it and cuddle it’!!!!

Right. This is the sum of my existence: Wart War. Nothing else going on here. I hope you’re not sorry you stopped. I’ll try to fall down again this week. Or at least have an amusing exchange with one of my children. I promise you won’t be subjected to another SOC blog again. I promise. Although I am going to hold a seance tonight and contact William Faulkner’s literary agent to see if he thinks I might have a future with this genre. Who knows, I may make into a Norton Anthology with my riveting Wart Sequence!!