Daily Diatribes

My friend Sylvia, who lives in Germany, contacted me a few weeks ago and asked me if Napoleon would be interested in corresponding with a German pen-pal. The daughter of a friend of hers was looking for an American pen-pal because she wanted to practice her English. Since Napoleon is taking German and has a passion for all things German (including German girls!), I gave her his email address. And promptly forgot about it. However, few days ago, Sylvia contacted me again and said her friend had not heard back from Napoleon. I asked him about it and he told me he had not received her email. I decided I had probably screwed up the email address because he recently created a new one, disdaining the one I had started for him when he was ten, the one that was so locked down all he could look at online was Disney Channel. Ahhh….those were the days of wine and roses….the days when I still had COMPLETE control…

But I digress. I emailed Sylvia again and told her to just have the girl send her letter to me and I would make sure Napoleon got it. And so, on Saturday, I got this:

From: mechtatvoiya
Sent: Sat, Jun 26, 2010 6:50 pm
Subject: Hi my new friend!

Hi my new friend! (a nice start from a nice German girl!)
My name is Tatyana I hope my letter will find you in good mood. (Tatyana? I would’ve though Helga or Ursula, but what do I know about German girls?)
I for the first time try such a way of dialogue, and I really don’t know what to tell
right now even though I understand that this first message have greater importance. (awww…first time she’s sent an email to a foreign boy!!)
But I have decided to write to you and maybe you will answer. (well, yeah….that’s the point, right??)
I sincerely hope that you are looking for the same as I. (Whoa….he’s looking for a pen-pal…what are YOU looking for???)
Once upon a time, the loneliness has come into my home and since then does not want to let me off. (ominous turn here….LONELINESS???)
The loneliness establishes own laws of life and life filles with sadness and disappointment. (WHAT???? HUH????)
I freeze from loneliness. (Well put on a jacket, Fraulein!!! My kid is NOT going to warm you up!!!!)
Every evening I look at a sundown and I try to absorb all warmth of day, up to last drop. (What?? Like Folgers???)
I am looking for a partner in life to share simple pleasures and together take off from the soul the weariness and sadness given birth by loneliness. (Partner??? Partner???? I thought this was a pen-pal relationship, not a MARRIAGE!!!)
I am looking for a man to become friends first of all and to go together along the road of life, (HE’S SEVENTEEN!!! NOT A MAN!!!!!)
to have common joy, together enjoy autumn magnificence, together build the future. (FUTURE MY ASS!! WTF IS THIS????)
I do not know if it is really possible to find it in such a way. (Trust me, IT’S NOT POSSIBLE WITH MY SON YOU GERMAN HUSSY!!!!)
But I know that many people not been able to find happiness in the usual life, have found happiness in this way. (Getting more and more freaked out here!!)
I am happy where I now, and my life is a good life, but happiness has no sense if you cannot share it with person dear to you. (NO!!!)
I could not find here a man who will make me blossom like flower. (My son is not going to make any German hussy BLOSSOM LIKE A FLOWER!!! NO NO NO!!!!)
That is why I took this courageous for me step. (Step back bitch….leave my son alone!!!)
As speak, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. (Again…step away from my son and no one gets hurt!!!)
To tell about itself briefly is impossibly, therefore I will not try to do it now. (That’s right…don’t try it NOW or EVER!!!!)
I will wait for your letter and if you are really serious in your search, maybe we will find interest in each other. (Nope, no interest!!! You’re gonna be waiting a LONG TIME!!!)
Neither of us knows to where this path will lead but I am willing to walk it and see where it takes us. (Let me assure you fraulein that it will take you NOWHERE!!!!)

Luckily, I read it before I forwarded it to him. Because….well….ummmm….the first few sentences were fine. Kind of sweet even. “I hope this find you in good mood”….such a sweet thought! But then she got to the “loneliness”. I thought she wanted to practice her English. “Loneliness” sounds like she wants to practice her French…kissing that is!! And she says she is looking for “a partner in life” and I thought all she wanted was a freaking pen-pal!! And “blossom like a flower”??? I’m telling you right now that my kid is not going to make ANYONE blossom like a flower, especially some German hussy pen-pal who is not a pen-pal at all, but apparently a sex-starved maniac looking for a date!!!

I read it through a couple of times. I read it out loud to my friends who were over to watch the USA lose their World Cup bid. We all agreed that she sounded like a girl in search of a green card, not a pen-pal!! Filled with righteous indignation, I contacted Sylvia and told her about it, upset that she was apparently pimping out my virtuous American boy to German hussies! She asked me to forward her the letter, which I did. Here is her reply:

I am rolling on the floor laughing.

Sorry, Jenny, but this is NOT from my friend Patricia over here.

lenta.ru = ru stands for RUSSIA.

I have NO IDEA who that might be and NO, I didn´t give her Napoleon’s email address!!!!

But if you would like to have a russian daughter in law who is sad and lonely, go for it ;-))

I can give you the address of the girls parents who wanted to contact Napoleon so you might want to get in contact first.

Well alrighty then!! Apparently Sylvia is NOT a Trans-Atlantic Madame, brokering out German girls to unsuspecting American boys. *blushses sheepishly* SORRY SYLVIA!!! Apparently….and how freaky is this??….it was just a COINCIDENCE that the letter came as Sylvia and I were trying to establish the pen-pal relationship between Napoleon and the nice, non-LONELY, German girl. I was beyond relieved. I love Sylvia and hated to think she had been reduced to pimping out kids!!

And so ends the love affair between Tatyana and Napoleon. She will have to try and hook another unsuspecting teenage boy!! Then again, maybe Tatyana was soliciting my husband. In which case, she BETTER LOOK OUT!!! Because I might just let her have him!!!