Daily Diatribes

So friend Nancy called me today and read me a blog post about soccer from a site called “The American Thinker.” I am going to see if can link it but you know how challenged I am by technology: Socialism

The author, one C. Edmund Wright, derides the assertion that soccer is the world’s favorite sport, challenging that is played primarily in countries where “starvation, archery, and badminton were the alternative activities.” Ouch. One wonders what those fans in first world countries, where soccer reigns supreme, do for their “alternative activities”? Darts? I can suggest an admirable target in Mr. Wright. Can an American be any uglier??

Oh, his post was entertaining enough, clever and well-written, but it was so incredibly snide and snarky that it was impossible to actually enjoy it. His post is the sort of thing that makes it easy to see why the rest of the world considers Americans such clods. Because soccer is a sleek, measured, sport played by athletes in top condition, a sport that requires all of its players on the field to participate actively, it’s apparently too boring for Mr. Wright to endure. After all, when you compare it to American football or basketball, it does seem like a silly sport.

I love to watch American football, but let’s consider the physical attributes of the players. Soccer is played on the largest field of any sport, a 110 yard field is the minimum length in international matches. The players never stop moving. They are constantly in motion, up and down the field, cutting, twisting and turning like fiends. American Football is played on a 100 yard field and the offense and defense take turns playing in short bursts. And let’s face it, American football is a celebration of our obesity epidemic, with 300 pound players being the norm, not the exception. They seem to topple over of heart attacks at an alarming rate…when they’re not being arrested for rape or dog fighting. I love American football, but in terms of sheer physical fitness and athletic prowess, soccer wins every time.

And I love that Mr. Wright claims soccer is only popular in dirt poor countries. In the US, it’s a somewhat elite sport, because there aren’t any city leagues. If a child wants to play soccer, he or she has to play with a club. Trust me, I pay big bucks for my kid to play. And if we’re going to make assertions that soccer is popular with the poor, how about basketball? How many players on US basketball teams come from privileged backgrounds? Oh, right, basketball FLOURISHES in graffiti-ridden neighborhoods, where lay-ups and gunfire go hand in hand. Soccer and basketball….two simple ball sports that don’t require a lot of fancy equipment or even a lot of specialized training. Two sports which one can find in any area where kids don’t have a whole lot of anything other than time and a desire to work out their frustrations on a court or a pitch. If you’re good, you’re good, and training will only make you better. Either you can do things to a ball with your feet that would make Pele cry, or you can’t. You can sink a lay-up or you can’t.

Mr. Wright assures us he is not a “redneck soccer newbie” because he played soccer in his prep school, which was one of the first places to embrace soccer. Wow, now he sounds like a real snot. So glad he clarified for us that he went to prep school and knows what he’s talking about. My kids only go to regular old high school, so I guess that’s why they play the hooligan, socialist sport of soccer. Yes, Mr. Wright claims soccer is a socialist sport and he’s absolutely right. It’s one of the reasons I love it so much and encouraged all three of my children to play. It’s one of the few sports where every single player can make a difference. It teaches kids about teamwork and patience, because yes, soccer IS a low-scoring game, although the North Koreans might beg to differ. It’s a heartbreaking, frustrating, nerve-wracking, nail-biting 90-plus minutes of agony, waiting to see if the ball is EVER going to make it into the net. And frankly, versus football which entails a whole lot of sitting around, or basketball, which only plays five at a time, the workout my kids get playing soccer is a whole lot better.

Mr. Wright is also scornful of the National Team ideal, saying that “they are the main sports focus of a nation” and that “it can’t get much more socialist than that.” Really? Nationalism is a bad thing since when?? Frankly, I find the idea of any sort of national team refreshing. It’s nice to see the nation come together and pull for a single team, even if it is a team playing a socialist game. Usually it takes a terrorist bombing to stir up our patriotic pride. I think cheering on Bradley’s Boys is far preferable to a 9/11 style bombing. But that’s just me I guess.

I know soccer is not everyone’s cup of tea. Neither is football, baseball, hockey, wrestling, etc. Each sport has its devoted fans, those who even as they die, will be proclaiming their team’s superiority. But what I do know is that Mr. Wright sounds like a snarky, self-important, whiny little frat boy who is missing college football right now, so he is taking it out on soccer. My suggestion to Mr. Wright would be “Change the channel and shut the hell up. I can’t hear the vuvuzelas over your big mouth!!”