Daily Diatribes

Do you think you’re busy? Really? Let me shame you. Let me hold myself up as a paragon of over-scheduledness and make you examine your own shallow, empty meaningless life and feel bad about yourself for getting eight hours of sleep every night and keeping a clean house. I lead two girl scout troops. I am a Venture Crew Advisor. I am co-room mother for the goddess’s classroom. I am the publicist for the arts board at the high school. I am the Service Unit Manager for the girl scouts. I am taking four graduate level courses. I work part-time. I have three children and a large, dirty house. Oh, and I’m a blogger; don’t forget the blogging!! I am woman….hear me roar….mostly in complaint about how over-scheduled I am!!!! I know you don’t feel sorry for me, but that’s fine. I pity myself enough for both of us!
This past weekend, I chaperoned the Venture Crew lock-in at camp. Although the forecast promised it would be sunny and mild, in reality, it was cold, dreary and drizzling. How does the weatherman stay employed, considering how often he gets the forecast wrong? I wish I could be that bad at my job and still pull in six figures. Anyway, we had an outdoor activity planned for the afternoon and it was wretched.
When we got back to the cabin, we built a fire in the wood-stove. Doesn’t that sound charming and rustic? I was absolutely enchanted and immediately began channeling my inner Laura Ingalls Wilder. If only I had had a sunbonnet, my happiness would have been complete. I had never seen a wood-stove work before and it was amazing to me. You open the little doors and shove in pieces of wood. The heat is conducted through the metal stovepipe and pretty soon it radiates out into the room. After our day outside, it felt wonderful. I pulled my chair up to the stove, opened my Kindle and began to read “David Copperfield”. (Yes, I realize the Kindle was anachronistic but I didn’t have the actual book with me…sorry!!!)
“Just wait,” said one of the dads, “pretty soon it’ll heat up this whole room!!” Ah, truer words were never spoken. After an hour, we were able to turn off the central heat in the room. Again I marveled at the cunning and cleverness of the stove. Things worked just fine in the old days; why do we think we can improve upon them? Another hour passed and we were all forced to shuck our sweatshirts and hang out in our short sleeves. Still, I marveled at the heat produced by the stove. So efficient, so reliable, so very, VERY capable of producing heat!! By bed time, it was approximately 217 degrees in the cabin and we were all sweating like construction workers in Florida.
When I say “all”, I mean myself, the seven teenagers and the two adult men crammed into the one room. All the teenagers were drinking Red Bull and doing Five Hour Energy Shots. They played a game called ‘pteradactyl’ which required them to shriek loudly like prehistoric reptiles. Woozy from the intense heat, I felt as if Dante had missed an entire level of hell. Can you think of anything MORE hellish than an overheated room full of teenagers strung out on caffeine and sugar and cawing like pteradactyls????

I drifted in and out of consciousness, as my core body temperature rose into the 120’s. The fire was burning brightly. The teenagers were cawing. The night wore on and they showed no signs of slowing. The moved from the pterodactyl game to a game with the cheerful title of “serial killer”. Doesn’t it sound like fun to be in the middle of the woods, in a boiling hot room, with a group of kids playing serial killer??? It was a card game and if the ‘killer’ winked at you, you had to die. So periodically, a body would thump to the floor, jolting me out of my stupor. It was HELL and it was not fun. I imagined Satan cavorting about the room gleefully, enjoying my torment.

I’ve always joked about the likelihood that I will end up in Hell. I’m not a very nice person. I gossip too much. I yell at referees during soccer games, comparing them unfavorably to Colonel Sanders and Osama bin laden. I curse at my children. I don’t recycle enough. I never tithe enough at church. I coughed at that Driver’s License worker. I figure I’m a shoo-in for Hell. Mind you, I’ll have plenty of friends there. Maybe we can be manacled to the same rocks and gossip about some of the lesser demons. “Can you BELIEVE what Bael is wearing today???? No self respecting demon would be caught in Hell wearing THOSE shoes!!!” or “I’m not questioning Satan’s judgment, but do you really think that constructing a new Chasm of Despair is the best use of our tax dollars?” (Because we know there will be taxes in Hell….that’s a given!!!)

Still, it’s one thing to imagine what Hell MIGHT be like and another thing altogether to find yourself in it and discover that it’s hot, murky and full of cawing teenagers and Red Bull. At 12:30, we turned out the lights. I lay in the dark, wrestling with the overwhelming urge to strip down to my underwear. I held back because not only would the sight of my stretch marks frighten the children, I figured it would also violate about 237 Boy Scout rules. So I stayed clothed, stretched out on top of the sleeping bag, and panted like a dog. The teenager next to me tossed and turned fretfully, mewling occasionally “it’s soooooo hot!!!” I wanted to throttle her and scream “YES WE KNOW!!!!” but refrained, again cognizant of those pesky BSA guidelines.

FINALLY Tom, our venerable Crew Leader, took action. He got up and opened several windows. And the doors. A small breeze blew in and Satan and his minions dissipated, overcome by the threat of coolness breaking up their Hell party. Surprisingly enough, despite the snores that soon filled the room, I was able to sleep. I think my body was exhausted from the intense heat, so I had no choice but to succumb. I think I managed to sleep six hours, which is not too shabby for a lock-in! At some point, the room finally got cool enough for the windows to be closed, but we never did turn the heat back on. It wasn’t necessary.

I won’t say I was refreshed when I got up in the morning, but at least I wasn’t comatose. Which was a good thing since I had a Brownie meeting later that day!! Right, so next time you want to complain about how BUSY you are, know I will be lurking around somewhere in your head, mocking you! I’ve got the market cornered on busy!! Ooops, gotta go, it’s prayer time!! Now that I’ve seen what Hell is actually like, I”m trying to work my way into Heaven!!