Daily Diatribes

As the year draws to a close, as we count down to those final minutes, many people will make resolutions for the New Year. They will promise themselves that this will be THE year to lose the weight, mend the fences, write the novel. During the first weeks of January, however, the champagne glow fades, real life sets in and people fall short of their goals. So around mid February, they kill themselves. Or they at least start spending more time on the couch watching Oprah, which is just a slower way to kill yourself.

I refuse to fall into the trap, so this year I am going to set achievable, realistic goals. They are the things that are going to inevitably happen anyways, not because I am a pessimist, but simply because I am a lazy cow, content to chew my cud and slog along through the verdant pastures of my suburban life (how’s THAT for imagery???) I am proud to share here with you, the faithful, my resolutions for 2010:

1. I am going to gain ten pounds. I’m already fat, so what’s another ten in the great scheme of things? I got on the Wii Fit this morning and my little bucktoothed woman moaned in despair. She actually started pulling out clumps of her hair. As a matter of fact, when I first stepped on the board the freakin’ thing went “OHHHHHHH”, as if a great weight had suddenly settled upon it. Which, coincidentally, it had. So….who am I fooling here? I’m not going to promise myself to lose ten pounds because it’s ridiculous. I’m going to GAIN ten and enjoy every single minute of it. Take that skinny ass bitches of the world!! You may be a size two, but I can order my cheesecake with EXTRA whipped cream!! I may actually need to adjust my resolution in case I achieve success too early in the year….

2. I am not going to be nicer to my family this year. Why should I be nice to them? What have they done for me lately? A few weeks ago, I had to go to work and Stalin had a day off. He has been spending his off days at our redneck lake compound, tending to the double wide. (did y’all know I own a double wide now??? I’m livin’ large here, and it’s not just my ass!!!) Anyway, to prepare for his day at the double wide, mucking around in the septic tank, he took a shower. And so did all the other members of the family. Me? I was running around picking up their crap off the floor so I wouldn’t have to to work all day and then come home to the same mess. So when the shower was finally free, was there ANY hot water left for me???? Was there even ONE SINGLE DROP of warm water left for the woman who was picking up everyone else’s dirty underwear while they savored their warm and steamy showers? I think not. So this year, I resolve not to treat those ungrateful heathens any better than I already do. Considering how well they’re treated, it’s really not saying much. I think I’ll go rent “Mommie Dearest” and refresh my memory of how a REAL WOMAN handles her family.

3. I am not going to stop mocking my neighbors. It’s just too much fun to talk about them. Nancy and I often say if people would just follow our sterling examples in all areas of their lives, the world would be a much better place. I will continue to mock the prima ballerinas and the intellectually gifted children who live on my street. My own children may be heading for careers in the food services industry (would you like fries with that?) but at least they are enjoying their childhoods. And we’ll get free french fries for life. Take THAT Olympic Gymnast!! I’ll take free french fries over free Wheaties any day of the week.

4. I am not going to even attempt to become more financially prudent. I have never understood financial prudence. Why on earth would I want to save money when there is so much fun stuff to spend it on? My husband made the colossal error of giving me a Kindle (e-reader) for Christmas and I have already purchased thirty dollars worth of books. It’s people like me that keep the economy healthy and people like you…..you SAVERS….that keep the man down. So I am going to spend, spend, spend and enjoy it tremendously!! I’ll spend a good portion of it on food to help achieve resolution number one!! Cheesecake Factory here I come!!

5. Do you REALLY think I am going to exercise more this year? Really?? What I like to do for exercise is put on a nice aerobics video, get a bowl of popcorn and a diet coke, and then watch Richard Simmons cavort around like an overbred poodle on speed. I enjoy watching the fat people sweat while I munch on my popcorn. In fact, the people Richard Simmons hires are so much fatter than me that I actually start to feel skinny. Which causes me to jump up and add some Little Debbie’s to my snack pile. I like to enjoy a well balanced snack and it’s important to have salty AND sweet.

6. I am not going to blog more. Hell, I can barely blog now as it is. Luckily the inspiration for this blog arrived as I was sitting on the potty this morning. Unfortunately, potty inspirations are few and far between, so I make no promises. If I resolve to blog less you will be all the more grateful when I post once or twice during the year. This is called REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY and it is very useful for manipulating readers.

7. In fact, I am not going to write the great American novel either. I could write the great American novel if I really wanted to, I just don’t feel like it, that’s all. If I wanted to write the great American novel, I would, I just don’t want to write now. But I could do it if I felt like it. Because I’m that way. Maybe I’ll feel like it next year. But not this year.

8. I’m certainly NOT going to resolve to volunteer more since I already volunteer far too much as it is. What else can I possibly run? I’ve already been in charge of just about everything possible except the PTO and there is no way I’m getting involved in that. The PTO is too much like the Mafia; those PTO types are scary! Get on the wrong side of a PTO member and you may just end up in the witness protection program with a new identity and new kneecaps. Those women are militant.

Alright, I was going to have ten resolutions, but I can’t think of any more. So I resolve to end this post before it gets any more ridiculous. See you in 2010!!