Daily Diatribes

T’is the season to be jolly and as usual, I feel like stuffing an elf down the toilet…after hot gluing his mouth shut. Christmas spirit is not one of my strong suits. But it does give me a lot to think about and I shall endeavor to set some of those thoughts down for you to enjoy….

Part 1: Christmas Miracles

1. With the aid of a twenty dollar part and a screwdriver, R2D2, the shiny vacuum cleaner, has been miraculously resurrected. Truly a Christmas miracle! The duct tape is gone!! The suction is working!! Stalin even picked up a supply of bags while he was at it!! Once again, I can suck up Polly Pockets, quarters and crescent wrenches with aplomb. To celebrate, I very carefully vacuumed the house today. I even stopped when something rattled around in the rollers ominously and I removed the chunk of ceramic instead of trying to force it up the hose. See…people CAN change!!

2. Not ONCE have I heard the song “Christmas Shoes” and we’re already 1/3 of the way through the season!! I know I am jinxing myself by saying that here, but it’s worth noting. I’ve said it before in this blog and I’ll say it again: If I am going to die on Christmas Eve, my children BETTER NOT be out wasting money on a stupid pair of shoes. Jesus could care less what’s on my feet!! I could care less what’s on my feet. If you were to observe me now, you would notice I am wearing MA’s hand me down Sperry Topsiders, whose fragrant odor strongly resembles that of the city dump in mid-July. Shoes are not one of my weaknesses. On my death bed, I would really prefer the children were out trying to score Cadbury Creme Eggs to force down my feeding tube. Screw the shoes, I want chocolate before I meet Jesus.

3. Our Christmas tree is up and decorated. I loathe putting up the tree. I hate Christmas trees. If it were up to me, I would put some lights on the fake ficus tree and be done with it. Why all the ornament drama? Who gives a crap about stringing cranberries and popcorn? I tried that once and it is seriously overrated. When I publish my first blockbuster bestseller, I’m hiring a gay man to decorate for Christmas….I mean to put up the decorations, not that I want to decorate a gay man for Christmas. Although that’s not a bad idea….

Tacky Christmas commercials
1. A December to Remember? This year’s pitch promises that if you buy a Lexus, you will spend quality time with your family. You can camp in the yard with them, play in the leaves and build snowmen. Apparently, since I own a Ford, I’m off the hook. I can continue to run my Mafia, surf the internet and ignore the little brats. Besides, it doesn’t snow here and there’s usually dog crap in our leaves. How is owning a Lexus going to fix that???

2. Every Kiss begins with K. And every blowjob begins with B, something that is much more likely to get you jewelry than a kiss. Besides, don’t give me some tacky, gold plated jewelry from a third rate jewelry store. Unless Stalin comes to the game with a Big Ass Diamond, one that will require hydraulic lifts to get my arm up, he needn’t bother. I’m easy, but I’m not cheap!!
And just why does the deaf girl get so excited when her boyfriend gives her that horrendously ugly bracelet? I’d throw it at him and give him the one finger sign. Jerk. Go to Tiffany’s next time.

3. And the Mercedes dealership in town is offering to make a $100 donation to a children’s charity if you buy a $75, 000 car. Wow, Mr. Scrooge, your generosity blows us away!!! Really…..a hundred bucks??? You get the luxury car and the orphans get another ten pound bag of rice?? I’ve got a better idea….buy an American car for $20,000 and give the difference to the charity. You get a new car AND a tax deduction! And the orphans all get new Nike Shocks for Christmas….it’s a win/win!

Christmas Cards
1. The holidays are upon us and the Christmas letter bragging has begun. “Molly scored a 36 on the ACT, organized a charity dental floss drive for the orphans in Somalia and just signed a modeling contract with Teen Vogue.” “Jim got a promotion and is now CEO of a Fortune Five Hundred Company”. I still prefer the truth: “Molly is turning into quite the teenage slut and has slept with the entire basketball team”. “Jim finished serving his prison term for insider trading and has found work as a greeter at Wal-Mart.” And the truth shall set you free.

2. Christmas cards come in three varieties. There’s the one with the whole family posed in front of the tree, smiling painfully. There’s the one of the whole family at the beach, dressed all in white, smiling painfully. And there’s the one of the whole family posed in a studio, smiling painfully. I think I’ll send out a Ninja card this year; the whole family, dressed in black, black scarves over their mouths, each wielding a throwing star, numchuks or a sword. HAVE A VERY NINJA CHRISTMAS!! Everyone will display my card prominently, pasting it over those fake beachy people in white. (I just googled Ninja Talk, looking for some good Ninja terms to throw in here; instead I discovered that apparently there is a huge cyber movement pitting talk like a pirate day against talk like a ninja day…who knew?)

Christmas Decorations
1. I just passed a house with about fifty light-up snowflakes hanging in the windows. Why? What does that have to do with the birth of our Saviour? At least my ten foot tall inflatable Santa/Rudolph combo is blatantly commercial. I’m not trying to pretend I am holier than thou, nor am I going to compete with the people who feel the need to string up 200 million lights, using enough electricity to power Yemen. I live in a sea of Fundamentalist Christians and none of them can remember that the Bible clearly stated there was only ONE STAR! Just ONE people!! Put the twinkly lights away, you’ve missed the point! Christmas….Bah!

2. I went to two different holiday concerts this week. I am SUCH a lucky girl!! Tuesday was the band concert, which I counted as my ninth holiday band concert. Thursday was the choir concert. If I hear Carol of the Bells one more time, I will hunt down Carol and mutilate her with toothpicks.

3. I had a FB conversation earlier with a Jewish friend concerning the superiority of Jewish holiday food. Everything for Channukah is fried. I like fried. I feel a conversion coming on; if I get Jewish, I don’t have to decorate for Christmas anymore! Whoever heard of an inflatable Menorah? Or a Channukah tree!! But the only thing I know about getting Jewish is the “Sex and the City” episode where Charlotte converted by getting naked and jumping in a pool. Let me tell you now, if the Jews saw me naked, they would cancel the conversion process immediately. I need to do some more research…

This appears to be the end of my holiday musings. I’m sure I could go on for hours about holiday tissues, holiday Saran Wrap, holiday toilet paper, holiday Glad Ware, holiday food, holiday….well, you get the picture. Tomorrow night I am hosting my first (soon to be annual!) Ugly Christmas Sweater Party. I am hoping to discover the true meaning of Christmas in the beads and baubles festooning the red and green synthetic fabrics. Or possibly, I will find it by swigging large quantities of spiked eggnog. Merry Christmas to all…..yadda yadda yadda!!