Daily Diatribes

I just cleaned off my whole cyber-blog desk!! I had TONS of posts I have started and not finished!! My brain is so clogged up with meaningless education jargon that I cannot blog. This is the last week of classes, however, and I am hoping to blog a lot. Especially since I am taking four classes next semester and my brain will probably explode midway through!
Anyway, I decided to move all of the unfinished blog posts here and create one, big, meaningless blog that will make no sense whatsoever. I am hoping this mental enema will get me going again!! So here we go, into the oblivion of blithering idiocy….

This weekend is MA’s last soccer tournament of the year. We traveled to Atlanta for the privilege of playing in Arctic temperatures and gusting wind. I love my kid a lot.
We drove over here yesterday. I worked all day, rushed home and threw everything into the car. I wanted to get the drive over with because not only is there a soccer tournament in town, the SEC championship game just happens to be this weekend as well. So I was heading to Atlanta with about 75,000 of my closest friends. Surprisingly enough, we got here in good time; we passed an awful lot of Winnebagos from Florida, but other than that, it was an uneventful ride.
Still, we got in late and I was very ready to get into my hotel room and put on my jammies. Unfortunately, that was not in the cards for me. I checked in and handed the key to MA and she and her friends raced up the stairs to the room. I went to the elevator with the luggage cart. It took the elevator about a hundred years to arrive and it made an awful lot of racket when it came down. And I kept hearing voices.
Ok, so I occasionally hear voices and they occasionally tell me to do things like say “blowjob” in front of a bunch of teenage girls, just for the shock effect (that’s another blog). But these voices seemed to be coming from outside my body. I lurched around but no one was there. Actually, they were coming from the elevator. Turns out it was one of those creepy talking elevators for blind people. Let me state here that in their quest to service the blind, they are discriminating against those of us with mental illness who suffer from paranoid delusions that the elevator voices are speaking directly to them. I’m glad I was able to sort out the voices, though, before I had to go for another shock treatment.
I got upstairs and MA met me in the hallway. “Mom, I think they gave us the wrong room,” she said.
OH MY GOD, I though to myself, my child is SUCH AN IDIOT!! I pushed passed her saying “It’s the right room, dummy, because the door opened with the key they gave us….” and I trailed off because she is not an idiot at all. The beds in the room were unmade, there were dirty towels on the bathroom floor and an obviously used washcloth hanging up in the shower. In fact, it looked a lot like the room I had left at home, only I was paying for this room and it had someone else’s dirty towels in it. I turned around and marched back down to the desk. What I SHOULD HAVE SAID was “Somebody has been sleeping in my bed….and it wasn’t me!!!!!!” but that didn’t occur to me until later……….

I am going to force a blog here. It’s a lot like forcing a bowel movement and I will probably give mental hemmorrhoids, but I have got to write something here. I can’t lose what’s left of my readership or I won’t have anyone left to feel sorry for me. No one who actually knows me feels sorry for me, so I rely on the kindness of strangers to speak words of love and understanding to me. I think I spelled hemmorrhoid wrong; can someone look that up please?

My vacuum cleaner is dead. I just spent ten minutes trying to find the blog post about buying the vacuum cleaner to replace the vacuum cleaner I had killed. I wish I knew how to hyperlink to that post; I’m going to try it and see if it works. Because you have never known someone who can kill an appliance like me.

I think Stalin spent several hundred dollars on that vacuum cleaner. It was a really good one. It was shiny, looked like R2D2 and it picked up dirt like Joan Rivers. Less than two years in my possession and now it’s held together with a lot of duct tape and it makes weird noises. I don’t understand how I do it.

The vacuum cleaner before this one never even had a chance.  I wrote a delightful story about it.  Gina fixed it for me one time but nothing can withstand my abuse for long.
Somehow I killed it. And we got R2 who lasted two years. So the question becomes is there a vacuum cleaner out there that I can’t kill? I really, really think the answer is no. On the bright side, if you have no vacuum cleaner, you don’t have to vacuum. There’s always a silver lining…………….

You might be wondering how I have time to write this; I am in the computer lab at the university. I love to sit here and type because there’s always something going on in here. There are lots of fun and funky college students hanging around, looking cool. I try and emulate them, but it’s hard since I do not look cool. I am wearing my Grumpy sweatshirt today. Tuesday I made the mistake of wearing a Christmas shirt. As far as Christmas shirts go, it was fairly restrained. It was a long sleeved red shirt and it had three small Christmas tree appliques on it. I thought I looked festive, but my fun new college friends mocked me. Brats. And then Gina mocked me. Bitch. It’s not like it played music or had strings of lights, but they still mocked me. So today I am channeling Grumpy in hopes I will cow them into submission. Fear the Grumpy shirt; it’s a bad omen.

Apparently this post is going to have no cohesive theme which is fine by me.  I have spent an entire semester constructing things with cohesive themese and my brain is no longer capable of cohesion.  You know how your favorite sitcom will run out of good ideas so they do a flashback episode celebrating all the good ideas they’ve  had over the years?  Well this is going to be the flashback episode of my blog.  Now that I’ve figured out how to hyperlink (hooray for me!!!) I am going to refer you back to old posts to read.  This spares me the ordeal of writing a new post because I feel like I’ve really blogged about everything there is to blog about anyway.  Ok, I haven’t blogged about Tiger Woods, but everyone else is going to do that, so why should I bother.  Here is a post from Christmas past and I want you to know I still have that candleholder; it’s on the island in my kitchen

Alright, I think I have said enough. My brain is starting to feel hemmorrhoidish and a guy with a green and orange scarf just walked by and I have to stare at him now; is he out of the closet? Straight men don’t knot green and orange scarves around their necks; they use them to carry beer with!!!

What a wonderful beginning for the holiday season!! I started the Thanksgiving break with a stomach virus so inutterably foul that I won’t even go into details here. Although let me brag a bit and say it takes a great deal of finesse and skill to vomit into a bag WHILE driving and not cause an accident. Mind you, MA was in the seat next to me as I heaved and she was very stoic, merely asking me to open her window so she could stick her head outside.
It was not a very jolly Thanksgiving. There was no over eating on my part. I sipped Sprite and watched as the others fell on the roast beast and devoured the carcass…..

Ok, that was three separate posts….if ANY of that made sense to you, STOP listening to the elevator voices, proceed immediately to the nearest hospital and check yourself in for evaluation!! Meanwhile, I am going to go and SWEEP UP the dog hair because I STILL don’t have a working vacuum!!!