Daily Diatribes

And so it goes with a blog. In the several years I’ve been doing this, I have seen the pattern repeated over and over again. A person drops from five posts a week to three. Then it drops down to two. Then it drops to one post every few weeks. Then a month goes by. Then six weeks. You scan in vain, hoping for a new post, a crumb, some sort of hope you haven’t been forsaken by a person whom you’ve never met and yet who is more important to you than the people you see every day. But it’s a vain hope, for the blog spark has died and they have moved on to some other pursuit.

I’m not quite there yet, but with this back to school thing I’m afraid my blogging days may be numbered. I spend so much time on the computer now doing schoolwork that I don’t want to be on it for one second longer than is absolutely necessary. Pogo is a thing of the past. My Mafia is languishing; I haven’t even done the Moscow jobs yet. My Bejeweled Blitz stats suck. If I’m not going to take care of my Mafia jobs, do you really think I’m going to blog?

Still, there’s a bit of life in the old girl yet. I still seek out absurdity and desire to faithfully chronicle it here; I just don’t have as much free time as I used to. But I’ll throw a few crumbs your way, oh ye faithful few who still read this rag.

We are spending the Thanksgiving holidays at the beach. This would be great fun but for the rather copious amount of homework I had to bring with me, to be completed by Friday. So while the family frolicked in the sand today, I was hunched over the computer perfecting my lesson plans. Which is actually much harder than it sounds. Oh sure, you brain surgeons out there think your job is hard, but anyone can cut a few wires in someone’s head. I am MOLDING the brains of tomorrow and to do so requires precision training. Don’t knock it Dr. Know It All; you get the big paycheck but I get the summers off. Who’s the sucker in this equation??

I managed to get my project finished and submitted and was able to join the family for dinner. Afterward, we strolled along the sidewalk looking in the shops. In the middle of the sidewalk they had a set of FunHouse mirrors. I walked up, took a peek and sighed. I looked three feet tall and six feet wide. Big whoop! The regular mirror makes me look short and fat. It’s not like I need a special mirror to do that.

But the concept raised a question in my mind. If FunHouse mirrors make regular people look like midgets, what do midgets look like in them? Not to offend any little people who might read this blog, but seriously, what happens?? Do they look taller? Or do their chins merge right into the tops of their shoes? I shared this with my friend Grace and she was immediately on the lookout for a midget to experiment with.
“What about her?” she hissed at me. “Is she a midget??”
“No sweetie,” I said, “she’s just short and fat.”
“Darn.”
Let me say here I really love that kid. We have a special bond!! Yeah, so anyone who knows what happens when midgets look in FunHouse mirrors, please post here. Because it is a burning question!!
Midgets aside, I have also discovered a new hobby. Last Friday night I had the house almost to myself. Stalin and Napoleon were camping. The goddess was spending the night out. I only had MA and two of her friends and they were holed up, watching horror movies (or surfing porn or sniffing glue, but they weren’t bothering me!!) And I was bored. And when I’m bored, I do what all red-blooded Americans do. I channel surfed.

I landed on Cinemax and they were airing one of those really high-quality soft core porno movies they like to show after 10 p.m. I was absolutely riveted, so I muted the sound and watched. Those women’s boobies DO NOT MOVE!! No matter how much thrusting and gyrating goes on, the BOOBS DO NOT BUDGE!! Fascinating! Closer inspection revealed that one of them was the victim of a really bad boob job. You could actually see the implant. This was good stuff, so I settled in to watch.

I felt all guilty and dirty about it, but the movie was so funny and I couldn’t stop watching. There is something really wholesome about watching soft core porn with the sound off. Like the purple dinosaur says, you have to use your imagination! Since I had the sound off, I had to supply my own storyline You know how much I hated that.

HOTEL EROTICA 3 (or something like that): Tyffanee and Jimmy check into Hotel Erotica. Jimmy is wearing a button down plaid shirt and horn-rimmed glasses (that’s foreshadowing right there….”HORN” rimmed…..good stuff!!) and Tyfffanee is wearing a shirt unbuttoned to her navel and short-shorts. Jimmy has his chemistry set because they are checking into Hotel Erotica so Jimmy can CURE CANCER! He is very close, but unless he checks into Hotel Erotica with Tyffanee, he will never get the formula right and therefore will not win the Nobel Peace Prize. They go up to their room and right away, Jimmy opens up his chemistry set to get started on his cancer cure. Right away, Tyffanee changes into her black bikini with the g-string bottoms. She implores Jimmy to go swimming, but he waves her away, concentrating on his cancer cure. He pours a few liquids into a beaker and frowns intently. Hmmm, Shrek green. Not quite the right color for a cancer cure. But close….very close!!!
Tyffanee gets all pouty and goes outside. She wanders into an arbor and finds MiSStee performing a sexual act of the oral nature on Brandon, who is naked from the waist down and leaning against a tree, eyes closed in what is supposed to be pleasure, although I suspect it is actually intense pain from his bare booty rubbing against the bark of a tree. Jimmy comes up behind Tyffannee, wanting to apologize for ignoring her to cure cancer, and they watch MiSStee and Brandon get it on. What is really interesting about the scene is every time the camera shifts from MiSStee to Tyffanne and back, MiSStee has lost more clothing. In three shots, she is completely nude and she and Brandon undulate together.
All this time, Jimmy is looking annoyed, wondering why he is wasting time watching sex acts when there is all that cancer in the world, begging to be cured. So he goes back up to the room and pours more liquids together. Hmmm…Big Bird yellow. Not quite the right color for a cancer cure. But close. Very close!! So Jimmy wanders out to the pool and sees DesstinNee and Arnold doing the dirty in the pool. Naturally he stops to watch because that’s what you do at Hotel Erotica. It’s what makes it such a good location for hard core science; all those pheromones in the air. And just like that, it clicks. Jimmy rushes up the stairs, pours some more liquids together and VOILA!! SMURF BLUE!!! The RIGHT COLOR FOR A CANCER CURE!!
Elated, Jimmy rushes down to the bar to share the good news with Tyffannee, who has been down there pouting, hoping to find someone she can have sex with against a tree. He sets the beaker on the bar and wanders around trying to find her. But obviously Jimmy didn’t pay much attention to Bill Nye the science guy’s hard and fast rules of Beaker Safety: never leave your newly discovered cancer cure on the bar because someone might knock it over into the ice dispenser. Which is exactly what happened. And Jimmy’s perfect, Smurf Blue cancer cure ended up in everyone’s drinks!!
And then the worst happened. Jimmy witnessed first hand that his Smurf Blue Cancer Cure did not cure cancer at all. Instead, it made everyone want to FORNICATE!! And that’s exactly what happened. Anyone who got a drink with the Smurf Blue Cancer Cure ice cubes in it became immediately overcome with lust and began fornicating with whomever happened to be on hand. Crestfallen, Jimmy returned to his room, to find the luscious Tyffannee there, ready to console him. Which she does without the aid of the Smurf Blue Cancer Cure. So Jimmy put his chemistry set away and swore never to ignore Tyffannee again. And they all screwed happily ever after!!!

Yes, I am a sick puppy. I watched that movie from beginning to end and it was the most fun I’ve had in months!! Which ought to tell you just how shallow and meaningless my life really is right now!! I could go on and on here, but I think I’ve titillated you enough for one night!!! Stay tuned for next week’s episode “True Taxicab Confessions of a Scrabble Nut Who Checks into a Sex Hotel to Earn a Triple Word Score”!!