Daily Diatribes

My goddess has a love life that would make your average high school senior green with envy. Every year a new boy latches on to her, completely overwhelmed by her long blonde locks and her big blue eyes. At the age of eight, she has already been on more dates than her older sister. As soon as I type this blog, I am going to the ACME website to order the girl a chastity belt. And we have been watching the real estate section, looking for an affordable tower so we can lock her up. Cause I don’t know what else to do with her!
Last year, in second grade, she was pursued all year by a young gentleman with a very deep Southern accent. He would call here and say “Heeeeeeeyyyyy…..is the Gawdesssss thayre?” He wrote her love notes. MA and I intercepted one, read it, and howled for weeks. Here is the text, which I immediately committed to memory: “I like the goddess. She is hot. She might kiss me. I said HEY hot girl!!” Do you see what I am dealing with here???
They went on two dates. He invited her to go see the dinosaur show, an exhibit of animatronic dinosaurs that stomped around on stage. She was enchanted, naturally, and as they drove away, it was plain to see her young suitor was completely smitten. What’s not to love about a girl who loves dinosaurs?
A few weeks later, I took them to the zoo. They rode a camel together. I’m pretty sure that in some cultures, riding a camel together equals some sort of marriage arrangement. “Now we have ridden the camel so you must go to your tent and move your things to my tent and you will be my woman” or something along those lines. I think some goats may have to change hands, though, and they never did make it to that stage. The school year ended and so did the relationship.
Third grade began with a new suitor. We went to meet the teacher and the teacher next door stuck her head in and told the goddess “Bubba (not his real name) is so sad you are not in his class this year. He’s just devastated.” The goddess just smirked. I gaped at her: really??? Another boy??? Good God, what was I going to do with this child????
Apparently Bubba was head over heels in love with her. For Halloween, he sent her an invitation to his annual Halloween throw-down. It was enclosed in an envelope he had constructed himself. Inside was a note and lots of illustrations. There were two stickers with pawprints, right next to each other, one labeled ‘goddess’ and the other labeled ‘bubba’. He already knows the way to her heart; the goddess is a sucker for dogs. In the note, he thanked her for the eraser she had given him and offered her a pink animal bracelet; another sign of a serious relationship.
If you don’t have children under the age of 25, the animal bracelet phenomenon might have escaped you. Animal bracelets are rubber bands in the shape of animals. The stores can’t keep them in stock. Someone is retiring even as we speak off the proceeds of his rubber bands. Why didn’t I invent animal shaped rubber bands?? Bubba giving an animal bracelet to the goddess clued me in to the fact that he had serious intentions. Why, oh why did the good lord give me girls???
So a few nights ago, Bubba’s mother called me and said “you are going to think I am crazy, but we are going to Christmas Village this week and I thought Bubba might enjoy it more if the goddess went along.” She was very nice and we laughed together over our children’s fledgling romance. And in the back of my mind, I’m thinking “Oh my GOD!!!!! The child is only EIGHT!!! What will she be like when she’s TWELVE?????”
I took a good hard look at her. I don’t get the attraction. She looks like every other eight year old girl out there. Granted, she does have exceptionally beautiful blue eyes (I can say that because mine are brown and I’m jealous of anyone who has blue eyes) but aside from that, she looks normal. She even wears glasses now. And yet, the boys can’t stay away from her. The next ten years are going to be very, very long.
I am about to go and ready my eight year old child for her date. She has already picked the outfit: black jumper, white turtleneck, tights and mary janes. I am sure Bubba will not be able to keep her eyes off her. And while they’re gone, I am going to do some online research and find a convent school that takes girls her age. I need to lock her away NOW, before the hormones develop!! Once the hormones kick in, I’m sunk for sure!