I have this illusion that I haven’t aged a bit. Mentally, I am hovering somewhere around age 20; so long as I don’t look in the mirror, I can fool myself. Well, and if I avoid squatting. Anytime I squat, people scatter because when my knees pop, it sounds like a drive-by shooting. I’m a college student dammit! I tool around campus with my backpack, griping about homework with the rest of my peers. I can almost believe I am young.
Then reality backhands me across the face. That college thing? It ain’t your Momma’s college, or mine either for that matter. I have a paper due next week. Back in the day, I would purchase a Blue Book which is nothing but a Big Chief Tablet for college students. I would carefully hand letter my essay onto the lined pages, using my very best handwriting, trying not to screw up. Or, if I was feeling really fancy, I would feed a sheet of white paper into my typewriter and type the paper. On the appointed day, I would rush to class and present the professor with my work. The professor would then proceed to mark it up with a red pen and return it to me so many days later with a grade. It was a good system and it worked.
That was then; this is now. For next week’s paper, I purchased access to a web based program. It cost $100; blue books cost about $.27 and typing paper was even cheaper. I have to type the paper into the program, navigating between twelve different screens, and then transmit it electronically to the professor. He will mark it up with cyber red pen and then transmit it back to me with a grade. I have entered a Ray Bradbury novel.
I’m old. There are all kinds of songs on the radio I used to listen to when I was younger. Careless Whisper! You Spin Me Right Round Baby! So I think I am young, then I really listen to the lyrics and I realize I am not young at all. I am old and turning into that woman who can’t believe what these whippersnappers are listening to these days!! Has anyone heard “Let’s Get Nasty” which is rapped to an approximation of The Partridge Family theme song? Do you remember the Partridge Family? I remember the Partridge Family!! David Cassidy, Shaun’s older brother! Shirley Jones, the coolest mom ever, in her groovy polyester bellbottoms!! Ruben! Danny Bonaduce before he started snorting cocaine!! Personally, I wanted to be the younger sister (was she Tracy?) who played the triangle and the tambourines. I wanted to ride around on their groovy bus and perform!
Let me tell you, Nitty, who has taken the tune and turned it into something perverted, he wants to perform as well. How about this refrain (remember, it’s the Partridge Family tune!): Come on Girl I know just what you’re thinking so let’s get nasty…..American, Asian, girls, European, come on get nasty…..you and me should have fun together and if you got a friend then you should bring her along, two would be for me but four is even better and when I wake up everybody better be gone….” I think Ruben would have keeled over and died had he heard these lyrics. I wanted to keel over and die. I don’t think Nitty wears polyester bellbottoms when he sings this. He may not wear bottoms at all.
The technology has changed; pen and paper don’t cut it anymore. The music has changed; groovy has turned to group sex. But yesterday drove a nail right into my coffin. I decided yesterday that it was time to end the pretense of youth and check myself into a nursing home. I went in for my annual eye exam. I hate those things because I have test anxiety and I stress about answering the questions right. “Which is better….One or Two….One….Two…” intones the doctor.
“Um….well….OH GOD I’M NOT SURE!!!!!!!” I cry. “It’s too much pressure!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I’m the only person I know who really should be medicated for eye exams. Anyway, after the exam, when I stopped hyperventilating and the crying was over, she asked me if I had trouble reading.
“No not really,” I said.
“Well, you accepted reading glasses,” she said. Now I know I’m crazy, I may not be as sharp as I used to be, but I knew good and well she hadn’t offered me any reading glasses and I certainly hadn’t accepted them.
“I’m sorry, what does that mean?” I asked her, confused.
“Well, it means it’s time for reading glasses,” she said.
“But I already wear glasses,” I said naively, afraid of what she was implying.
Then she said it, that horrible word, the word that brings to mind grandmothers and Preparation H and Lawrence Welk reruns: “You need……(cue the dramatic music)……(maybe a high pitched, blood curdling scream)…………(a little hazy fade on the screen)………..BIFOCALS!!!!!!”
My head lolled back in the chair and the world went momentarily black. Bifocals were for old people. Granny on the Beverly Hillbillies wore bifocals. I do not need bifocals. I am a college student. College students don’t wear bifocals. They jive around campus singing “Come On Get Nasty”.
“Do I really have to wear them?” I asked faintly.
“Put your glasses back on,” she said. I did and then she waved a couple of lenses in front of them. Suddenly, everything was dramatically sharper and more in focus. “Do you see the difference?” she asked kindly. Sadly enough, I did.
The groovy music ended abruptly. I am not young and hip. I am old and have bad hips. I am not groovy or hip or even particularly nasty. I am a forty year old woman. “Hello my name is Jennifer and I wear bifocals.”
And so I went out into the lobby and ordered my bifocals and received yet another unpleasant shock; unlike single vision lenses, bifocal lenses cost the equivalent of three social security checks. I actually screamed “HOLY SHIT” out loud when the technician told me how much JUST THE LENSES cost. She was nice about it and didn’t kick me out of the building for screaming obscenities. I tried to tic a little so she would think it was Tourette’s. She even gave me 15% off, presumably because she knew I’d be eating dog food for the rest of the month after paying for the glasses.
I have entered the Twilight Zone. A world full of Geritol and arthritis pills and, yes, Bifocals. I am going to try and look for the silver lining though. I bet my Bejeweled Blitz score will improve dramatically once I get the new glasses. And the frames are super cute and hip. As long as no one does a nasty remake of Copacabana, I may just weather this crisis! (Her name was Shawty….she was a hooker….with yellow dreadlocks in her hair…..and a dress cut down to there….REFRAIN: At the copa…Copacabana…..bitches pole dancin’ are always the fashion at the copa…..)
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September 4th, 2009 at 10:44 am
God, Jennifer, you make me laugh!
My husband needs reading glasses. He buys them at Wal-Mart or Target because he refuses to go to the eye doctor and become responsible for a real pair of glasses. He’ll be 47 on Monday. I think it’s high time he gives in. I’m gonna send him your post. Maybe if he thinks it’s all funny, he’ll be ok.
The funniest thing you wrote: the Copacabana remix.
September 4th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
Welcome to my world
September 4th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
That computer program sounds horrible.
Also, if that’s the best Nitty can do since “Nasty Girl” (to the tune of the Archies’ “Sugar, Sugar”) came out quite a few YEARS ago, now, then, well, I am not impressed. One was funny. Two in the amount of time that has gone by is just unoriginal, pathetic overkill to make a quick buck.
September 4th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
Wait until your everyday conversation everyday includes daily updates on bowel activity to friends and family. I think it’s the end!
September 4th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
Let me tell you, I have this one in the bag. I wear 2 different contact lenses - one for far, one for near. No one is the wiser, and I can honestly say, “No, I don’t wear bifocals.” And Kaycie’s husband is headed in the right direction. Just ask for a written prescription, take it to Walmart or Target, and get the glasses there! There is nothing that says you have to buy your lenses at the optometrist’s office.
My personal age reminder seems to be my feet. “Ouch, ouch, ouch” from the bed to the bathroom every morning.
I LOVED the Partridge Family and am thoroughly disgusted by this alleged “remix.” Laurie was my personal favorite. I found my old diary some years back and noted an entry enthusing about Laurie’s personal style, “She’s so GROOVY!” I think I could sing “I Think I Love You” by heart even today. Fire up the karaoke!
September 4th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Renee I can’t wear contact lenses because my eyes are so dry from all the prescriptions I take daily!! Kiki, how are your bowels today? have you had a BM?
September 4th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
I empathise, a) because I went to college at 32 yrs old, b) my knees pop, c) I hate cRap music and d) I wear tri-focals (but only when I’m watching tv or reading, otherwise I don’t wear anything).
About the bifocals, I hope you got transitions, they are more expensive but make life a lot easier. I can’t wait for your first post about having to keep moving your head up and down like you’re constantly agreeing with yourself, and how you can’t walk up or down stairs any more. Also,
PS. Dr Renee is right, just get the prescription and buy the glasses form walmart
September 4th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
Willow, that would be the reason for the obscenities….I paid for the good lenses. I guess cuz my husband owns a small, professional office, I like to support those types of people. But I’m just a sap that way!!
September 4th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
Jennifer, you NEVER cease to amaze me! You are hysterical. Seriously. Whatever you are taking,, you ought to bottle it up and sell it on the black market…you’d make millions…. maybe even enough to help pay for the bifocals. And by the way. I can relate to this, I had to give in to …..cue the dramatic music…BIFOCALS…when I was approaching 50. It was a drag. A rude awakening. But, damn, girl…..I can actually see now! So. Worth it.
September 5th, 2009 at 9:12 am
Wait till you go to the OBGYN and you tell him/her things that are going on and he/she says, “Well, you are getting to that age when…”.
I buy my lenses from the optometrist because I know if I have a problem they will fix it. When you buy them somewhere else, there are no guarantees, esp. WalMart. Besides, they have the best glasses by far at the optometrist,and I have to wear mine all the time so I want them to look good.
Renee, I tried the monovision, and couldn’t see anything, near or far, so I am waiting for the bifocal contacts for astigmatism. I am at the top of the optometrist’s list for them. She’s going to call me when they get one she likes.
Jennifer, I hope you got the progressive lenses with no line. They take some getting used to, but well worth it.
September 5th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
You always make me laugh.
Today’s “improvements” don’t have much on yesterday. Long live the 80’s!
September 5th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
Nancy S. If you get Bifocal contacts for astigmatsim….PLEASE give the info to Jennifer to send to me!!!!!!! I PLEADED with the optomotrist to give me these and he told me there was no such thing!!! So I have no line bifocals for astigmatism glasses…but I would LOVE contacts!!! The little shit told me I could get contacts but then I would need reading glasses too…..he looks about 12….but he did wince when I mentioned that in my profession we specialize in NEUTERING!!!!!!!!!
Jennifer…the no-lines take a little getting used to, but at least only you know you have bifocals!!! And actually once you get used to them, they really are great! For me the best thing is that they make the computer so much easier to see. But damn, I was pissed when I had to get glasses!!! And I think it may be a part of why this weekend I was told that I was completely unattractive……which is also a part of why I am in the middle of a TALL vodka tonic…so if any of this comment is mis-spelled or incoherent…I apologize.
And your story of how they do papers now has scared me away from ever trying to go back to school.
September 6th, 2009 at 5:21 pm
Equoni, trust me, you will be the first to know. She said they have one brand that just came out recently, but they don’t fit right and she won’t prescribe them.
I’ve had glasses since was in 3rd grade, so that’s not a big deal for me, except when people tell me I would look so much better without them - this after spending my life savings on some cool Michael Kors frames! I hate when they take women’s glasses off when they are on What Not to Wear. Dammit, we can look great with glasses!!!!!!
September 6th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
I graduated with a two-year degree the same year I turned 30. Talk about milestones! Oh and Hubby has had bifocals since he was like 25! He still hasn’t lived that down.
September 7th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
hmmm…I remember blue books and 8tracks. My knees have been popping since my 20’s and just today I heard Copacabana on the radio-and it occured to me that I’m listening to a station that actually plays Barry Manilow . I have yet to hear the Partridge Fam remake, but I’d probably just change it back to my Barry Manilow/Copacabana station.