Daily Diatribes

This issue has been bothering me for some time. I hesitate to bring it up here in this forum because I am aware of just how unpopular my stance is. I know the comments will range from derisive to outraged and may possibly affect some of my friendships. But it has bothered me for so long and this is my blog, after all. I can take a stand and defend it to the end. I must be true to myself and my own beliefs. To do otherwise would completely destroy any self worth I might possess.

I have considered this issue long and hard and from many different angles. I have spent countless hours surfing the net, exhaustively researching it. I have quietly polled friends and neighbors to get their thoughts. And I know from my research that my opinion is in the minority. There are few out there who share my views on this subject. People are outspoken on both sides, but in the end, the opposition has greater numbers. However, I’m comfortable with my own decisions. I am a rational, thoughtful woman and this is a free country. No matter how unpopular my position is, I can continue to promote and defend it. I love you all, but I am drawing a line in the sand right now and saying out loud, with no reservations: I WILL HANG MY TOILET PAPER TOWARD THE WALL!!! So there.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did you think this was going to be about health care reform?? Who cares about that when there are far more serious matters at hand. I am about to launch a revolution that will change the way the world wipes its ass. Because I am sick and tired of the OVER THE TOP movement!! I realize you will disagree, but I know I am right about this. Toilet paper is mean to hang with its free end against the wall. That's how it's designed. To hang it any other way is a crime against man and nature. It's a perversion of toilet paper engineering. And God knows I HATE perversion. Well, unless it involves some canola oil, a couple of midgets and a cricket bat....er...never mind.

Yesterday I walked into my bathroom to find that some well meaning guest had thoughtfully replaced the roll of toilet paper. However it was incorrectly placed. The free end was at the top. This caused me to grit my teeth. I removed the roll and replaced it correctly. The free end seemed to heave a sigh of relief as it draped gracefully down against the wall.

Because that’s the point. The free end is always loose, so you never have to peel the toilet paper away from the roll. By its nature, toilet paper squares are designed to cling stubbornly to each other, causing the person on the toilet much frustration as she or he attempts to pry off a square or two. It becomes even more frustrating when one is dealing with a low grade toilet paper versus the high fiber count paper I prefer in my own home. Cheap toilet paper is a bitch to get off the roll. It’s so thin it’s almost transparent. There is nothing worse than sitting on a public toilet that is probably teeming with bubonic plague (or worse!!) and trying to wrestle a few measly squares off the industrial size roll. Hung properly, it becomes a non-issue. The free end hangs there, inviting the consumer to quickly grab a few sheets, clean up and get the hell off the potty. Which is why it is so vitally important to hang the roll correctly.

Let me provide a physics problem to illustrate the problem: F=the force exerted to remove a sheet of paper and M=the Mass of the Paper. T=Torque or the amount of resistance required to exert the force to allow the sheet to tear free. So for our purposes the following equation should provide sufficient evidence of my theory: F+M
Anyway, despite what Miss Manners says, I believe my way of hanging the paper is the only correct way. I know many will argue, but I don’t care. This is my blog, I am the Supreme Being and in my blog, the roll hangs AGAINST THE WALL!!! I am going to start my own lobbying group. I will go to Washington and I will not rest until I have achieved my goal of enacting laws to ensure toilet paper is hung according to my specifications in all public buildings. Anyone found hanging toilet paper AWAY FROM THE WALL will be punished to the fullest extent of the law. Call me ridiculous, but I have to take a stand here!! Now I’m off to contact Charmin to see if can get some financial support for my movement…um….my cause.